My Infertility Journey

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Without going into all the boring (and somewhat medical/ scientific) details, I’ll start at the beginning. My Senior year of High School I stopped having a regular menstrual cycle (if this type of stuff makes you uncomfortable, you better stop reading now. It just gets worse from here). I chalked it up to stress from school, applying to colleges, etc. Plus, all you women out there would probably agree that not having a period is kind of a nice thing, so I ignored it. As a Freshman in College I mentioned it to my doctor at my yearly physical, she gave me a pill to jump start my cycle and told me to call if it didn’t regulate things. It didn’t and I didn’t. My Sophomore year of College I started having hot flashes. Anyone who has had these will tell you that they are NOT fun. Agh. I hate to even think about them. They began to bother me enough that I went to the doctor. The doctor ran a variety of tests: blood work, ultrasound, and an MRI. Long story short, the MRI showed a large tumor on my pituitary gland (a small gland that regulates all sorts of hormones that is located at the base of the brain kind of behind the nose and between the eyes). The tumor was so large that it had to be removed surgically. When I met with the surgeon, he was pretty concerned and thought the surgery should occur sooner rather than later. Translation: probably pretty serious stuff. Luckily, I had the surgery and the removal was successful, but the damage had been done and my pituitary gland was left with little to no function.

Fast forward a few years, I was on hormone supplements for the hormones I needed and things were good. I was in Nursing School and had learned a lot about how the body works and how mine was different. With all the hormonal issues, I was aware that having children may be an issue in the future, but didn’t give it too much thought as I wasn’t married or even dating.

Chapter 2: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Fertility Treatments

Fast forward a little further. I met my wonderful husband and we got married right after graduation. I told him very soon in our dating life about my tumor and the whole I-don’t-know-if-I-can-have-kids situation so that he could make a break for it if he wanted, but the wonderful man that he is, he was totally fine with the situation.

Shortly after we were married we moved to New York City. I wanted to find a job in the Mother-Baby unit in the hospital, but ended up at a Fertility Clinic instead. At the time I thought it would be good because 1. I was finding it hard to find a job as a new grad and 2. I thought that compared to some other job offers I had (in allergy clinics) it would be the closest thing to maternal child health. After all, this is where the baby would get started. I did not know at the time that working at the clinic would be one of the most wonderful blessings I could have been given. I learned so much about fertility, hormones, and conceiving. It helped me learn even more about my body and gave me some insight into the steps I may have to take to get pregnant.

As soon as I had insurance at my job, we decided that it would be a good time to look into starting our family. I had worked at the Fertility Clinic for about four months, so I thought that I had things all figured out. In fact I thought it would be very simple to get pregnant. It turned out to not be so simple. The damage to my pituitary gland was more extensive than I had thought and in the end I needed injectable hormones (i.e. I had to give myself shots) to get pregnant. It was a little overwhelming to realize this, but when we found out that our insurance was fabulous and covered the type of procedures we needed, we went ahead with the process.

My first cycle moved very quickly. My body responded extremely well to the medications, in fact a little too well. We had a long discussion with the doctor about the possibility of multiples and in the end decided to continue with the treatments. Well, as it turns out, I got pregnant and the rest is history. We named our little miracle baby Macy.

Chapter 3: Trying for Baby #2

Of course our story wasn’t over. Fast forwarding once again . . . after Andy completed Graduate School in New York we ended up staying with our families in Washington State for several months at the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011. We still had our New York insurance and after some investigation we found one fertility clinic in the area that also happened to accept our insurance. We decided to go ahead and try to have another baby while things were lining up so perfectly.

This time things weren’t as easy. Although we knew what worked for us in order to conceive Macy, fertility isn’t an exact science. Things don’t always turn out the same for every cycle. I went through four cycles with the doctor in Washington. With each failure, things got harder and harder. Although I knew from my time working in the fertility field that not every cycle works, it was hard to think logically when I was the patient. I was on a lot of hormones and under a lot of stress. I started to get very frustrated and very depressed. I started to wonder if I had done something wrong to deserve this and to also think that maybe I wasn’t a good mother and shouldn’t have any more children. I have never felt such deep despair in my entire life. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I felt like no one understood what I was going through. My sweet husband was very understanding and patient with me and although he was going through the journey with me, I still felt very much alone. I bought books and looked at websites and read blogs about infertility. Some things made me feel better and other things didn’t. Lots and lots of praying and lots and lots of tears accompanied me through this very, very dark time. A time that was really dark, until all of a sudden it wasn’t. It is funny how a silly little line on a pregnancy test can carry so much importance, but it does. I hate those little sticks, but at the same time I love them. Just when you least expect it, they surprise you with a big fat positive. And after four long and difficult tries, one of those tricky little sticks did just that.

Chapter 4: Remembering the Journey and Reaching Out to Others

In the end, we found out that our fourth cycle worked and also that we were expecting twins! It was a very exciting time and all of it seemed too good to be true, but lucky for us it wasn't. I feel so, so blessed to have had this experience and to have had such an awesome partner to do it with. I knew that if I ever was successful (because at the time it felt like I NEVER would be) that I wanted to remember what I felt like when I was in the middle of everything so that I would also remember not to take my blessings for granted. I also wanted to remember everything so that I could help others who might be going through the same or similar situations. While I was in the middle of this trial, I searched for people who understood what I was going through and I want to be that person for others. This was just a synopsis of my journey. Don't let the fast forwards fool you. Although I don't know everything about infertility, I do know a lot more than what I shared here and I also understand it from the perspective of a nurse as well as a patient. I hope that because of this I will have the opportunity to help someone else. That is why I shared my story. At least what has happened so far.

The End.

28 weeks, 4 days with Baby Boys